THANKS FOR THE JOKES, PICTURES AND VIDEOS

THANKS GUYS INSTEAD OF ME CHANGING THE NAMES EVERY WEEK I WILL JUST ADD NEW NAMES AS THE BITS COME IN

DEREK MARSH, PHIL BOWN, DAVE MCGARRY, JOHN MCEWAN, JOE COLLIER, GLYN AYRES, CHRIS SALES HARRY WARD,KEITH KENWORTHY,ALAN PLATTS, JEFF PITTAWAY,GLYN,DAVE THORPE, RAY WILSON,ALAN CRUICKSHANK, JAP HASLAM, JEFF CHADWICK, PAUL JUKES, WAYNE CLIFTON,DAVE MIDDLEMASS, MARTYN TIGHE, RAY WILSON, ROY HARRIS, GARY BAKER, GARY CROSBY, KEVIN KEEBLE

OTHERS MAY NOT SEE THIERS YET BUT KEEP LOOKING

THE OTHER NIGHT I WAS INVITED OUT FOR A NIGHT WITH THE 'GIRLS.' I TOLD MY HUSBAND THAT I WOULD BE HOME BY MIDNIGHT, 'I PROMISE!' WELL, THE HOURS PASSED AND THE MARGARITAS WENT DOWN WAY TOO EASILY.

AROUND 3 A.M., A BIT LOADED, I HEADED FOR HOME. JUST AS I GOT IN THE DOOR, THE CUCKOO CLOCK IN THE HALLWAY STARTED UP AND CUCKOOED 3 TIMES.

QUICKLY, REALIZING MY HUSBAND WOULD PROBABLY WAKE UP, I CUCKOOED ANOTHER 9 TIMES.

I WAS REALLY PROUD OF MYSELF FOR COMING UP WITH SUCH A QUICK-WITTED SOLUTION, IN ORDER TO ESCAPE A POSSIBLE CONFLICT WITH HIM. EVEN WHEN TOTALLY SMASHED... 3 CUCKOOS PLUS 9 CUCKOOS TOTALS = 12 CUCKOOS (MIDNIGHT!)

THE NEXT MORNING MY HUSBAND ASKED ME WHAT TIME I GOT IN, I TOLD HIM 'MIDNIGHT'....... HE DIDN'T SEEM PISSED OFF IN THE LEAST. WHEW, I GOT AWAY WITH THAT ONE! THEN HE SAID 'WE NEED A NEW CUCKOO CLOCK.' I ASKED HIM WHY.

HE SAID, 'WELL, LAST NIGHT OUR CLOCK CUCKOOED THREE TIMES, THEN SAID 'OH SHIT.' CUCKOOED 4 MORE TIMES, CLEARED ITS THROAT, CUCKOOED ANOTHER THREE TIMES, GIGGLED, CUCKOOED TWICE MORE, AND THEN TRIPPED OVER THE COFFEE TABLE AND FARTED.

A MARRIED IRISHMAN WENT INTO THE CONFESSIONAL AND SAID TO HIS PRIEST,

'I ALMOST HAD AN AFFAIR WITH ANOTHER WOMAN..'

THE PRIEST SAID, 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ALMOST?

'THE IRISHMAN SAID, 'WELL, WE GOT UNDRESSED AND RUBBED TOGETHER, BUT THEN I STOPPED.'

THE PRIEST SAID, 'RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME AS PUTTING IT IN.

YOU'RE NOT TO SEE THAT WOMAN AGAIN.

FOR YOUR PENANCE, SAY FIVE HAIL MARY'S AND PUT £50 IN THE POOR BOX 'THE IRISHMAN LEFT THE CONFESSIONAL, SAID HIS PRAYERS, AND THEN WALKED OVER TO THE POOR BOX.

HE PAUSED FOR A MOMENT AND THEN STARTED TO LEAVE.

THE PRIEST, WHO WAS WATCHING, QUICKLY RAN OVER TO HIM SAYING, 'I SAW THAT.YOU DIDN'T PUT ANY MONEY IN THE POOR BOX!'

THE IRISHMAN REPLIED, 'YEAH, BUT I RUBBED THE £50 ON THE BOX, AND ACCORDING TO YOU, THAT'S THE SAME AS PUTTING IT IN!'
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
THERE ONCE WAS A RELIGIOUS YOUNG WOMAN WHO WENT TO CONFESSION. UPON ENTERING THE CONFESSIONAL, SHE SAID, 'FORGIVE ME, FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED.

'THE PRIEST SAID, 'CONFESS YOUR SINS AND BE FORGIVEN.' THE YOUNG WOMAN SAID, 'LAST NIGHT MY BOYFRIEND MADE MAD PASSIONATE LOVE TO ME SEVEN TIMES.

'THE PRIEST THOUGHT LONG AND HARD AND THEN SAID,'SQUEEZE SEVEN LEMONS INTO A GLASS AND THEN DRINK THE JUICE.

'THE YOUNG WOMAN ASKED, 'WILL THIS CLEANSE ME OF MY SINS?'THE PRIEST SAID, 'NO, BUT IT WILL WIPE THAT SMILE OFF OF YOUR FACE.'
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MULDOON LIVED ALONE IN THE IRISH COUNTRYSIDE WITH ONLY A PET DOG FOR COMPANY.

ONE DAY THE DOG DIED, AND MULDOON WENT TO THE PARISH PRIEST AND ASKED, 'FATHER, MY DOG IS DEAD. COULD YA' BE SAYING' A MASS FOR THE POOR CREATURE?'

FATHER PATRICK REPLIED, '

I'M AFRAID NOT;
WE CANNOT HAVE SERVICES FOR AN ANIMAL IN THE CHURCH.

BUT THERE ARE SOME BAPTISTS DOWN THE LANE, AND THERE'S NO TELLIN' WHAT THEY BELIEVE.

MAYBE THEY'LL DO SOMETHING FOR THE CREATURE.'

MULDOON SAID, 'I'LL GO RIGHT AWAY FATHER. DO YA THINK £5,000 IS ENOUGH TO DONATE TO THEM FOR THE SERVICE?

'FATHER PATRICK EXCLAIMED, 'SWEET MARY, MOTHER OF JESUS! WHY DIDN'T YA TELL ME THE DOG WAS CATHOLIC?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AN ELDERLY MAN WALKS INTO A CONFESSIONAL. THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION ENSUES:

MAN:
'I AM 92 YEARS OLD, HAVE A WONDERFUL WIFE OF 70 YEARS, MANY CHILDREN, GRANDCHILDREN, AND GREAT GRANDCHILDREN.

YESTERDAY, I PICKED UP TWO COLLEGE GIRLS, HITCHHIKING .

WE WENT TO A MOTEL, WHERE I HAD SEX WITH EACH OF THEM THREE TIMES.'PRIEST:

'ARE YOU SORRY FOR YOUR SINS?'

MAN:
'WHAT SINS? ' PRIEST: 'WHAT KIND OF A CATHOLIC ARE YOU?'

MAN: '
I'M JEWISH.'

PRIEST:
'WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME ALL THIS?'

MAN:
'I'M 92 YEARS OLD ... I'M TELLING EVERYBODY.'

BEING BRITISH
IS ABOUT DRIVING IN A GERMAN CAR
TO AN IRISH PUB
FOR A BELGIAN BEER,
THEN ON THE WAY HOME,
GRABBING AN INDIAN CURRY OR A TURKISH KEBAB,
TO SIT ON SWEDISH FURNITURE
AND WATCH AMERICAN SHOWS ON A JAPANESE TV.

OH AND.... ONLY IN BRITAIN CAN A PIZZA GET TO YOUR HOUSE FASTER THAN AN AMBULANCE

ONLY IN BRITAIN.
DO SUPERMARKETS MAKE SICK PEOPLE WALK ALL THE WAY TO THE BACK OF THE SHOP TO GET MILK

WHILE HEALTHY PEOPLE CAN BUY CIGARETTES AT THE FRONT.

ONLY IN BRITAIN.
DO PEOPLE ORDER DOUBLE CHEESEBURGERS,
LARGE FRIES AND THEN A DIET COKE.

ONLY IN BRITAIN.
DO BANKS LEAVE BOTH DOORS WIDE OPEN AND CHAIN THE PENS TO THE COUNTERS.

ONLY IN BRITAIN
DO WE LEAVE CARS WORTH THOUSANDS OF POUNDS IN THE DRIVEWAY

AND THEN LOCK OUR JUNK AND CHEAP LAWN MOWER IN THE GARAGE.

NOT TO MENTION....A MASSIVE 543 BRITAINS WERE ADMITTED TO EMERGENCY IN THE LAST TWO YEARS AFTER OPENING BOTTLES OF BEER WITH THEIR TEETH.

AND FINALLY.........

IN 2000 EIGHT BRITAINS CRACKED THEIR SKULL WHILST THROWING UP INTO THE TOILET.

A CRUSTY OLD ARMY SERGEANT MAJOR FOUND HIMSELF AT A GALA EVENT HOSTED BY A LOCAL SOCIALITE.

THERE WAS NO SHORTAGE OF EXTREMELY YOUNG LADIES IN ATTENDANCE, ONE OF WHOM APPROACHED THE SERGEANT MAJOR FOR CONVERSATION.

'EXCUSE ME, SERGEANT MAJOR, BUT YOU SEEM TO BE A VERY SERIOUS MAN. IS SOMETHING BOTHERING YOU?' 'NEGATIVE, MA'AM.

JUST SERIOUS BY NATURE.'

THE YOUNG LADY LOOKED AT HIS AWARDS AND DECORATIONS AND SAID,'IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE SEEN A LOT OF ACTION.'

'YES, MA'AM, A LOT OF ACTION.

' THE YOUNG LADY, TIRING OF TRYING TO START UP A CONVERSATION, SAID,'YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE. RELAX AND ENJOY YOURSELF.'

THE SERGEANT MAJOR JUST STARED AT HER IN HIS SERIOUS MANNER.

FINALLY THE YOUNG LADY SAID, 'YOU KNOW, I HOPE YOU DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, BUT WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU HAD SEX?'

1955, MA'AM' 'WELL, THERE YOU ARE.

YOU REALLY NEED TO CHILL OUT AND QUIT TAKING EVERYTHING SO SERIOUSLY! I MEAN, NO SEX SINCE 1955!

THAT’S BLOODY RIDICULOUS! SHE TOOK HIS HAND AND LED HIM TO A PRIVATE ROOM WHERE SHE PROCEEDED TO 'RELAX' HIM SEVERAL TIMES.

AFTERWARDS, PANTING FOR BREATH, SHE LEANED AGAINST HIS BARE CHEST AND SAID, 'WOW, YOU SURE DIDN'T FORGET MUCH SINCE 1955.'

THE SERGEANT MAJOR, GLANCING AT HIS WATCH, SAID IN HIS SERIOUS VOICE, 'I HOPE NOT;

IT'S ONLY 2130 NOW.'
(DON'T YOU LOVE MILITARY TIME?)

SIGN OVER A GYNECOLOGIST'S OFFICE:
'DR. JONES, AT YOUR CERVIX.
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IN A PODIATRIST'S OFFICE:'TIME WOUNDS ALL HEELS.'
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ON A SEPTIC TANK TRUCK:YESTERDAY'S MEALS ON WHEELS
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ON A PLUMBER'S TRUCK:
'WE REPAIR WHAT YOUR HUSBAND FIXED.'
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ON ANOTHER PLUMBER'S TRUCK:'DON'T SLEEP WITH A DRIP. CALL YOUR PLUMBER.'
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ON A CHURCH'S BILL BOARD:'7 DAYS WITHOUT GOD MAKES ONE WEAK.
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AT A TYRE STORE'INVITE US TO YOUR NEXT BLOWOUT.'
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ON AN ELECTRICIAN'S TRUCK:'LET US REMOVE YOUR SHORTS.'
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IN A NON-SMOKING AREA:'IF WE SEE SMOKE, WE WILL ASSUME YOU ARE ON FIRE AND TAKE APPROPRIATE ACTION.'
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ON A MATERNITY ROOM DOOR:
'PUSH. PUSH. PUSH.'
AT AN OPTOMETRIST'S OFFICE:'IF YOU DON'T SEE WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR, YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.'
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ON A TAXIDERMIST'S WINDOW:'WE REALLY KNOW OUR STUFF.
'**************************
ON A FENCE:'SALESMEN WELCOME! DOG FOOD IS EXPENSIVE!
'**************************
AT A CAR DEALERSHIP:'THE BEST WAY TO GET BACK ON YOUR FEET - MISS A CAR PAYMENT.'
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OUTSIDE A CAR EXHAUST STORE:'NO APPOINTMENT NECESSARY. WE HEAR YOU COMING.'
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IN A VETS WAITING ROOM:'BE BACK IN 5 MINUTES. SIT! STAY!'
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IN A RESTAURANT WINDOW:'DON'T STAND THERE AND BE HUNGRY; COME ON IN AND GET FED UP.'
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IN THE FRONT YARD OF A FUNERAL HOME:'DRIVE CAREFULLY. WE'LL WAIT.
'**************************
AND DON'T FORGET THE SIGN AT ARADIATOR SHOP:'BEST PLACE IN TOWN TO TAKE A LEAK.'
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SIGN ON THE BACK OF YET ANOTHERSEPTIC TANK TRUCK: 'CAUTION - THIS TRUCK IS FULL OF POLITICAL PROMISES'

THE ONLY THING THAT THE GOVERNMENT HAS NOT TAXED YET IS THE MALE PENIS.

THIS IS DUE TO THE FACT THAT 69% OF THE TIME IT IS HANGING AROUND UNEMPLOYED,

10% OF THE TIME IT IS HARD UP,

20% OF THE TIME IT IS PISSED OFF.

AND 1% OF THE TIME IT IS IN A HOLE.

ON TOP OF THAT, IT HAS TWO DEPENDANTS AND THEY ARE BOTH NUTS!

HOWEVER: EFFECTIVE JANUARY 1ST, 2010,

THE PENIS WILL NOW BE TAXED ACCORDING TO SIZE:THE BRACKETS ARE AS FOLLOWS:

5 - 10 CM. NUISANCE TAX 20.00
10 - 20 CM. PRIVILEGE TAX 100.00
20 - 25 CM POLE TAX 200.00
25 - 30 CM LUXURY TAX 300.00

MALES EXCEEDING 30 CM MUST FILE CAPITAL GAINS.

THOSE UNDER 10 CM ARE ELIGIBLE FOR A TAX REFUND.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION...